Another fresh pot of coffee sat between us. The silence was surprisingly friendly. Like what you might feel after a storm, with the debris and wreckage around you but also the feeling of peace because you knew the worst was over. Another way of looking at it was you have little to fear when you have nothing more to lose, I mused to myself.

Keith helped himself to a cup, his hands folded around the warmth of the mug. He seemed calm and nervous at the same time.

‘Did you mean what you said?’ Keith finally asked.

As usual, Keith’s conversation flowed from his own train of thoughts.

‘And what did I say?’

‘That you still love me?’ his voice was very soft.

I frowned, wanting to tread carefully, but I could not lie. ‘Yes.’

He gave me a broken smile; his eyes suddenly had a shine that I found irresistible. He bent his head and bit his lip, the smile still lurking albeit a bit shyly.

‘And .. and .. you said you wanted me to –come back?’ he sounded terribly unsure.

I firmly suppressed the flutter in my heart. I frowned again. ‘What are you trying to say, sweetheart?’ I could not help myself, just had to hear myself call him that again.

‘If .. if .. if that’s what you REALLY want, well, I want that too …’ He looked up from under his lashes, watching me intently.

I firmly told myself to sit still.

‘Why?’

Keith opened his eyes at me. ‘Don’t you want me back, Dusty?

‘I want to know first why you changed your mind.’ My voice was very gentle.

‘I don’t know.’ Keith mumbled to the tablecloth.

‘Keith?’ I prompted gently.

‘I mean, I do know WHY, but I don’t know – HOW to tell you why …’ He trailed off.

I resisted the urge to open my arms to Keith, draw him close to me and tell him everything would be fine. But there were too many unanswered questions.

‘You can tell me anything, remember? Why don’t you try?

He looked up and said almost sadly. ‘Well, to be honest, I hated how things went after I moved out. I did not know what I was doing, Dusty. I felt so out of control. Everything was going wrong!’

‘Tell me,’ I prodded him. ‘What went wrong?’

‘Everything!’

I sighed. Keith leaned towards the dramatic when upset or flustered.

He struggled a bit with his thoughts, then in a sudden burst of candor, said. ‘Well, when we were together, I felt you were being too strict with me … you never let me do anything on my own, Dusty! I used to be able to do anything I wanted but … but … You needed to know who I was going out with, where I was going, what I did …. I thought you were treating me like a child!!’

‘That was not my intention …I’m sorry if I made you feel that way.’

‘Oh God Dusty, please don’t say that. I know that. I was just being an ass. I actually MISSED being asked what I’d done and where I’d been. I felt kinda lost, you know, when no one cared …’ Keith shrugged. ‘Strange huh? But I thought I could get a little – uhm freedom? – and still have you come around, you know?’

‘Ah!’ I said understandingly. ‘You wanted to be able to do your own thing, yet you wanted me to be around when it suit you. Am I right?’

He flushed. ‘Yes. You promised to take care of me, remember?’

I threw my head back in exasperation. ‘Keith, you can’t have it both ways, you know. You can’t string me along and shrug me off when it suits you. If you want me in your life, I am there to stay. Period. And I will be in control. Of you and your actions. I will want to know what you do, who you are with, everything that happens in your life. Just as I will share my life with you.’
Keith nodded, sighing in return. ‘Yes, Dusty. I know that. I accept that – now.’

‘And the clubbing and the drugs?’ I asked.

‘The clubbing sucked! The drugs sucked! God – the only reason I did them was because…’ He flung out his hands. ‘Oh Hell! I thought if you got wind of what I was doing, you would get mad enough to make me stop. But instead you stopped coming, so I thought you didn’t want anything more to do with me. And then I did more stuff that I knew would make you madder still – BUT YOU NEVER CAME!’

I looked at him and he flushed more deeply. Keith had told me a lot but not the one thing I needed to hear and be sure of.

‘You have not really answered my question, Keith. Why do you want to come back? Is it just to have someone take control of your life and give you the structure you need?’

‘I need that, yes. I do, I really do.’ He swallowed, ducking his head. I knew how hard it was for him to admit that. Even as he had accepted the need for discipline before, he had always rebelled against it. It had always been a struggle, and always would be.

‘Excuse me?’ I said, leaning forward. Keith had mumbled into the tablecloth again.

He looked up, a challenge in his eyes. ‘I said I STILL LOVE YOU!’

Our eyes locked.

‘Please Dusty. That is the goddamn truth!!’ Keith whispered. The moisture pooled in his blue eyes, making them shine, and a drop slid out and down his face. He looked so lost and helpless.
Slowly, I pushed my chair back and held open my arms. ‘Come, sweetheart.’

Without a word, Keith came around to me and dove into my arms. My arms tightened around him and I closed my eyes.

I settled him on my lap, holding him close, while he buried his face into my neck. I could hear him choking back his tears. ‘I am so sorry, Dusty.’ He whispered.

‘Its ok, darling. I’ve got you now. Its ok.’ I was finally able to say those wonderful words. I leaned down and kissed the side of his head. ‘It going to be all right now!’

And for the first time in six months, I knew it was going to be all right.

* * *